What I Learned From Infertility and 2017

As we celebrated the end of 2017 and the beginning of the new year, I reflected on this past year--the hardest year of my life yet. I thought about all the pain, sadness, and exhaustion that 2017 consisted of. But then I thought of all of the joy, excitement, and thankfulness that the same year had, and especially ended with. As I reflected on 2017, I thought about what I learned from every experience given to me, specifically infertility, and was thankful for the lessons, even if I had to learn some of them the hard way. They have helped me to grow immensely, and will help me to better myself in the future as well.


Lesson #1: God gave us marriage to help strengthen us when we have no strength.

Ecclesiastes does not lie. Two really are better than one.
I cannot begin to express how thankful I am for the blessing of marriage, and the blessing of exactly whom I am married to. People like Thomas are very hard to find--and I try my hardest not to take him for granted, as I know not everyone has someone like him in their lives. As I write about this lesson learned, I struggle to find adequate words to describe all Thomas did for me in our toughest season and how he lifted me up and kept me from drowning in my sorrow. He did everything he could in the months of disappointment to bring me nothing but joy. He cooked me meals when I was too sick to stand being in the kitchen because of hormone levels. He distracted me from my sadness by taking me on dates, walks, and kayaking. He cleaned the house because our vacuum was over my weight limit during IVF. He held me while I cried constantly and offered me unconditional love instead of words of advice. I don't say this all to brag on him--even though I think he's worth bragging about. I say it because I think he encapsulated exactly what marriage should be. We talk about being with each other in sickness and in health, for better or for worse in marriage vows--and that's exactly what he did for me. While I was sick and at my lowest point, he did everything he could to lift me up. I can't even imagine how exhausted he was. He had to constantly be the strong one and put a smile on his face even though he was hurting too. (And all while aggressively fighting for his dream job! Talk about a lot on your plate!) But he did it anyway, and never complained...not even once. Because of him, his love for me, his reminding me of God's plan, and his encouragement, I was able to get out of bed in the morning and face each day.
I'll never forget the day that I had to tell him I lost our baby. I genuinely didn't know my heart could hurt so much. My mom and sisters had rushed over because Thomas was at work on the north side. They sat with me until he could get home. Once he got home, they left and we sat on the couch, while he held me and stroked my hair. After a little while, he took me on a walk on the trails to get some fresh air. And he made me smile and he made me laugh. I have never been lower. I felt like I couldn't go on. And somehow, in the midst of that complete despair, he lifted me up, gave me hope, and made me feel loved. He brightened my absolute darkest day. He helped me to climb out of the pit of sadness I was in, and move on. And partly because of him, my blessing from God above, I was okay again.
Thank God for the strength our spouses can give us.



Lesson #2: You can use what you've experienced to help when comforting others, regardless of what they're going through.

Think about when you've suffered and what helped you through it. It may not be the same for all of us...but most of us just want compassion and sensitivity when we suffer. Remembering your own suffering can help you to know how to interact with someone whose hurting. We all suffer in different ways, but the fact of the matter is that we all suffer at some point. There are so many people out there hurting, and if we learn from our suffering, we can use that to help show compassion to those who need it. Showing someone you love them isn't as hard as we make it. A hug, a prayer, a card, a note--they can all go a long way.



Lesson #3: The pain of infertility doesn't leave you when you become pregnant.

This is a surprising lesson I have learned. I thought once I ended up pregnant, all the pain that I suffered would disappear--but that's not the way it works. There are certain songs that we'll sing at church that'll trigger memories of the desperation I felt singing the words--and I still cry when we sing them even though that desperation is gone. There are loved ones that I watch still in the midst of their journey with infertility that my heart is utterly pained for--because I remember the disappointment and feeling of being alone (even though you aren't). There is guilt because I became pregnant before many women who have been suffering through infertility a lot longer than I had. There are still worries that follow infertility--future treatments and surgeries and of passing the trait along to Winnie. The insensitive comments still hurt. The complaining about kids being kids still hurts. The journey doesn't leave you--you remember each and every day what you went through to get where you are.
But remembering the journey makes it more beautiful. Because I remember the journey, I have more thankfulness in my heart than I would have. Because of the journey, I cry thankful tears whenever we sing "Farther Along"--because God's plan is more apparent to me now. When Winnie wakes me up in the middle night because she's karate chopping my insides, I am just thankful she's still in there, and that she's healthy. I'm not saying that you have to go through infertility to be thankful for these things--but for me, infertility helped me to be more thankful for what I have been given. Infertility absolutely stinks--but I am thankful to God for allowing me to go through it because of the lessons learned.



Lesson #4: Meeting or knowing someone who has been through infertility gives you a forever bond and helps carry you through.

There are so many women I would love to list that shared their stories with me and encouraged me during the process. These women all had different stories relating to how infertility had/has affected their lives, and even though our stories may be a little different, each one brought me so much comfort. Infertility creates a forever bond--the bond of wanting and loving a child so badly, but having no control in whether or not you ever have the child. What a blessing to be surrounded by a network of women who have gone through it or are going through it!
To the women who shared their stories of infertility with me: You are a beautiful person who gave me strength and I love you so much for it. You gave me hope and support, and helped me not to feel alone. You helped to show me that it wasn't my fault that I was infertile, but that I was also normal for feeling that way. You justified my emotions. You hurt for me and with me. You shared a look of understanding with me on the hardest of days. You helped get me through, and I will forever be grateful to you for that.



Lesson #5: God's plan is so much better than mine.

People told me throughout the process: "Just don't lose your faith." and "Trust in God's power." These are completely fine statements, but I never struggled with this aspect. My faith in God's power was strong. My faith in His timing was what I lacked completely. You see, the problem was: I knew God was fully capable of taking my infertility away with His perfect and awesome power. He had healed so many barren women in the Bible and given them many children. I knew He was capable of healing me instantly...what I questioned was what was taking so long.
My actual infertility journey wasn't as long as most people's. It was 11 months--8 of fertility treatments. However, the journey leading there was 4 years long because of the endometriosis surgeries and treatments (as most of you know). I questioned God's plan, not power in all of this. I remember praying, frustratedly, "God you're able to take this pain away, so why won't you?" I blamed it on my sin. I told myself that if I was better, studied more, and prayed more, I would be healed. But it doesn't work that way.
But now, I see it a little better. I obviously don't completely understand God's whole plan and what each infertility moment meant, but I see beauty in His timing. I don't understand why I miscarried our first baby in May 2017. But how beautiful is it that we're due with Winnie in May of 2018, making it a happy and blessed month, not just a sad anniversary? I don't understand why I lost 15 out of 16 embryos. But how perfect is it that our one remaining embryo is now the little Winnie that is karate kicking, dancing, and twirling up a storm inside of me? I don't understand why it took us 11 months to get pregnant. But how divine is it that now Thomas has his dream job and we're more financially stable so that I'm able to stay at home with baby? God's plan is so much better than mine. I'm so glad he doesn't answer yes to every prayer I pray, because He knows better than me and He blesses me more abundantly than I could dream up.


Lesson #6: Winnie is 100% meant to be...and will do great things.

Like I said before, I lost 15 out of 16 embryos. And for no reason anyone could give me. I am 23 and healthy--there is no reason for that scientifically. But science is nothing compared to our God's plan and this just proves to me even more that Winnie was selected by God to be our baby.
One of the things that was said to me during the journey that brought me the most hope and joy was that I was in good company--Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth, etc. I was told to look at the children they had--Isaac, Samuel, John the Baptist--and the great things they did. It gave me hope and motivation. It reminded me that whatever child I had, I needed to give to God and glorify Him. Because these women gave their sons over to the Lord, they became some of the strongest Bible characters we read about, serving Him all their lives.
Only because of God, Winnie exists. She is His first--then ours--and I can't wait to see all she does in His service. Thomas and I aren't perfect by any means, and we're not going to be perfect parents. But because we have such a beautiful, strong army of Christian influences around us, Winnie is already set up for success just by watching the examples of our special church family.


Now onto 2018--the year that, Lord willing, our "Baby Mine" will come meet us! I'm 22 weeks, so only 18(ish) more to go! I'm really enjoying pregnancy and not rushing meeting her, because selfishly, I love feeling her kick inside and I feel completely healed of endometriosis. I'm soaking in every day of this pregnancy, since it may be my only one ever, and enjoying what each new day brings. We are so thankful for this little girl, for our God, and for all of you.

We love you.

Abby & Winnie