But We Still Hope

Another Negative. Our tenth to be exact.

We received the call from my doctor on Monday, the day of my grandfather's viewing, that we, yet again, were not pregnant. Our first attempt at IVF was unsuccessful. 

At first grief can be overwhelming, but then relief set in. I was dreading Monday more than I could put into words because I knew it was unsuccessful. God has blessed me so richly with a body that I am completely in tune with. The results were not a surprise to me so I had been preparing Thomas and I and grieving the loss of our Little Embryo for days before we officially knew. Once I got the final word from Dr. Will, relief was given to me because I could move on...and I'm thankful for that.

As we move on from here, our future is a little unknown. We will transfer our only embryo this coming month for our first attempt at a Frozen Embryo Transfer. I'll explain that later once we get there.

This process is hard and we are young. We're in uncharted territory now...we're the only ones I know (personally) that IVF didn't work for on the first try. We're trying our hardest in this trial to choose joy, trust God, and learn from it. But we are human (and not yet wise) and we will falter on this journey when we're sad or scared or mad. Please let us feel sad for the dream we're longing for.

To all the wonderful people I love in life that are pregnant or have small children right now, know I love you and your child/children. However, if I distance myself in the coming days, please do not be offended. I have no ill will towards you and am glad your dreams are being fulfilled with those precious little ones. But I need to grieve and protect my heart. If it seems like I am avoiding your child on a particularly bad day, it isn't because I hate your kid or because them being yours angers me, it's because I'm absolutely terrified that there will never be a little one with Thomas's smile and my curls toddling around, bringing us that same joy your child brings you. Please don't take it personally. I'm learning and trying to be who God wants me to be, but I'm not perfect...and my heart is currently in a fragile state that needs a little protection on my part. But please know I love you-- I just may need some space because sometimes it all hurts too much.

So many hearts break for us with each negative and we know that. I never will be able to put into words how grateful I am to have such wonderful people who weep with us in our storm. But we do believe deep in our hearts that there will be a rainbow in the end. Even if it's not the results Thomas and I dream of and hope for, we will eventually be okay because of our God and our love for each other. And hopefully someday, we will look back at this time with peace and understanding, and see how God's plan worked out for our good. Until then, we'll take it day by day, love each other, and pray for the best. 

Earlier this week, after my grandpa passed away, a dear family member gave us a poem that has helped in both of the tough situations we're facing at this time. The words of this poem brought me a lot of comfort. It says:

And too, when sore affliction comes--a dreary, rainy day;

I look inside my heart and find rich blessings stored away.

I take them from a treasure chest--and count them o'er and o'er;

And think how good God's been to men--why don't we trust Him more?

If all were sun and sunshine--if clouds would never weep;

Would little flowers lift their heads---would sowers ever reap?

The valleys down below us, but emphasize the heights;

Low-hanging clouds about us are pierced with shafts of light.

If sickness never hindered, and pain ne'er wracked our frame;

Would days of health be cherished, if suffering never came?

In deeps of life's great ocean, may suffering be pearled;

And in the days of reck'ning be a gem of heaven's world.

We love you all. Keep the prayers coming please.

Abby & Thomas