How To Help

"Is there anything I can do or say to help?"

Recently, I was asked this question by a family member, in regards to addressing infertility. My dear loved one learned the hard way from me that there were things that helped, and things that did the exact opposite of how they were intended. As I thought about how to answer this question, I was stumped. I have learned through this process that certain things that helped me, don't help others. However, I do know what helped me exactly, and what I'll always remember. Whether you, yourself, are dealing with infertility and need some encouragement, or you know and love someone going through it and find yourself in the same predicament as my loved one, I hope the below list of things that helped me through the toughest time in my life, can help someone else out too.

Things That Helped Me Through Infertility: (Not in any specific order)

1. Luke 1:6-7

"And they were both righteous before God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and statutes of the Lord. But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren, and both were advanced in years."

Now, I am no Elizabeth. However, if Elizabeth was the epitome of a "wonderful Christian", walking blamelessly, and she was barren, then my sins are not to blame for my "barrenness" either. I blamed myself a lot for my infertility, telling myself that if I was better I'd be pregnant, and constantly compared myself to others. This verse helped me to realize that my faith and my fertility didn't affect each other directly. 

2. Acknowledgment

There were times I wanted to talk about it, and times I didn't. I understood that you all couldn't read my mind to understand when I wanted to talk and when I didn't. But the people that stood out, were the people that made sure I understood that they were there whenever I was ready to talk. The people that came up and said, "Hey, I know you're hurting and we haven't forgotten about you," and left it alone at that, not pressuring any further...those are the people that made my days easier. With infertility, and lots of different types of grief, you feel like you're stuck in a pit of sadness while everyone else goes about their everyday, perfect lives. Letting someone know that you haven't forgotten their pain, but not making them talk about it if they don't want to--that's a true way to help.

3. The Sermon--"Surviving a Crisis"

Don Truex helped me through my "crisis" with more than this sermon, but this sermon was something that gave me a lot of perspective in the midst of my "crisis". When I heard this sermon, my grandpa had just passed away and I had just learned IVF didn't work for us the first time. I was at one of the lowest points I had been at, and this sermon made me pull it together. It gave me motivation, hope, and perspective, and I would tell anyone going through anything difficult to listen to this sermon, or send it to someone you know needs it. (Also, my grandma is the strong woman Don talks about at the end, so it's even better with that special nugget.)

Link: http://www.ttcoc.com/media-sermons/sermons/2017/07/23/surviving-a-crisis

4. "Red Sea Road" by Ellie Holcomb

This CD that one of the dearest souls I know sent me during my journey comforted me in ways that spoken words could not. Music holds a special place in my heart--anyone who knows me, knows that. This compilation of songs comforted my broken heart and led me on my drives to Carmel on the toughest days of treatment, encouraging me to have faith.

My top 3 songs on the album that helped: 

1. Find You Here

2. Red Sea Road

3. You Are Loved

"We've buried dreams, laid them deep into the earth behind us. Said, our goodbyes, at the grave, but everything reminds us. God knows we ache, when He asks us to go on, how do we go on?

We will sing, to our souls, we won't bury our hope, where He leads us to go, there's a Red Sea Road. When we can't see the way, He'll part the waves, and we'll never walk alone, down a Red Sea Road."

-Red Sea Road, Ellie Holcomb

5. Studying up on my procedures (and having others do so, too)

I am a planner. I hated not having any control over my fertility. I felt helpless. Once I started to take control of my knowledge on my treatment, I started to relax. I am not a science person--that's all Thomas. But I wanted to know what was going on, and wanted to make sure that I was making conscious decisions, and not being taken advantage of by any doctors (which I didn't have to worry about, because I had the best doc ever). If you are in treatments now, in the midst of your infertility journey, educate yourself. I know it can be confusing...but I studied up on my procedures, as did Thomas, and we felt more prepared and at ease for all of them because we knew what to expect...to an extent. Because I was very open with my family the entire time, they did the same. My parents learned everything they could about my procedures, and that made me feel supported and understood. I had an organized IVF binder...you may think I'm crazy, but keeping a pretty floral chart of shots is a lot more fun than getting stuck in last night's bruises because you forgot what side your injections were on. Take notes at doctor's appointments and ask questions. Google questions before you go to a consult if you can't think of any on your own. Be in charge of your treatment and know what you're doing.

6. Receiving Cards

Because there were days when I wanted to talk and days where I didn't, I always appreciated cards. To me, it meant the world when I received a card letting me know that you were thinking about me. I kept them all and Winnie will read them one day and love you for them. There were many that I read over and over again on the hard days when I felt the least lovable, as a reminder that you all cared.

7. Prayers

I might not have known you were praying, but I was thankful nonetheless. That's something you can always do. The power of prayer is amazing, and I wish I could hear the prayers prayed on Thomas and I's behalf, because I'm sure they were beautiful and that they would just make me love you even more.

8. Bible Reading Plans

I have the Bible app on my phone and often do the plans that it has. There was one plan in particular that really helped me through my toughest times: "Infertility Encouragement from Sarah's Laughter". Oftentimes, when I would receive another negative, I'd sit on the floor and read the pages of this plan until I felt I could get up and move on. It gave me perspective and helped me feel supported by Christians in the infertility community.

9. Certain Articles

These helped. Read them on a bad day, or send them to someone who's going through it that needs it.

When you need perspective, accountability, encouragement, or hope: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/dont-waste-your-infertility/

When you need hope: https://faithit.com/why-god-took-so-long-give-me-baby-rebekah-fox/?utm_content=bufferedf44&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

When you feel bad about yourself because you're sad: http://www.momsandcrafters.com/the-thing-you-want-most/

 If you're in the church and want to help, read this: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/infertility-in-the-arms-of-the-church

And this while you're at it...because this is how we should be treating those going through infertility: http://www.agreatparade.com/2015/04/to-childless-mother-suffering-from.html

10. SENSITIVITY.

This is probably the one that helped me most on a day to day basis. I had never gone through infertility before. I didn't know how to handle everything that was being thrown at me and I did the best I could. Some days, I did terribly--I was hateful, bitter, and depressed. I'm sorry for that. Some days, I did really well--I rejoiced for others, remembered that my salvation mattered more than a baby, and moved on. But it is a day by day process, full of grief, ups and downs, and SO MANY HORMONES. Just be sensitive. We all have different trials, and we have no right to act like we'd handle it "better". 

I went to see the movie "Wonder" recently, and the ending quote resonated with me because of this very situation:

"If you really want to see what people are, all you have to do is look. We all deserve a standing ovation, at least once in our lives." 

Trials are hard. We face some really terrible ones on this earth. We have no clue what a person is going through on the inside. So we might as well love them and hold their hand through it, because that's what's going to have the biggest influence and help them the most in the long run. 

Thank you to the people who helped me through. You know who you are. Thank you:

-to the person who prayed specifically for Thomas and I when we miscarried, and acknowledged that our baby was a living being.

-to the person who took the time to write a 5 page letter telling me that I was allowed to be sad and feel the grief of not knowing the child I wanted so badly.

-to the person who cried with me many times, and with my mom, because you'd been through it all from the mom's perspective and you remembered the hurt.

-to the person who gave me a Cinderella necklace, never pried, but always let me know you cared.

-to the person who wrote me Facebook message after Facebook message to help me through my grief and you were open and honest with me about the grief you had experienced too...but you never compared.

-to the person who remembered that Mother's Day would be hard for me and acknowledged that.

-to the person that sent me Red Sea Road, my precious Hope angel, and so many other beautiful, thoughtful gifts...and many encouraging messages to accompany them.

-to the person who talked with me through the late hours of the night, knowing the pain of infertility too, but always encouraging me from a spiritual perspective, to remember my salvation mattered most.

-to so many who sent me cards and messages checking on me and encouraging me. You'll never know the gratitude I have for you--that you didn't ignore the situation because it was uncomfortable, but instead worked tirelessly to understand, sympathize, and help me through. Winnie will always be reminded of the love you've shown us. I love you all.

Abby